CHAPTER 1: Preface

In hindsight, my "awaking" did not have a clear starting point as I commonly claim for simplicity and ease of the narrative. The race did not begin with the waive of a green flag or at the shot of a gun with a clear signal. No…my spiritual journey began with starts and stops, ebbs and flows, a slow but steady progression that can only be fully appreciated when you step back, reflect, and consider how wonderfully each piece of the puzzle fit perfectly into the ultimate masterpiece. The good, the bad and even the ugly pieces all had their place.  While living it the struggles are real, painful, and even the memories are raw. But from a higher vantage point I can see how the challenges were really the glue that held it all together and enabled the story to advance. Although the link is not direct, I recognize that much of my spiritual growth was energetically held and enabled by trauma.  

I had mystical experiences throughout my childhood; however, most of them were dismissed, rationalized, ignored and buried under layers of programing. I honestly had forgotten most of what I am about to share until I dove headfirst into this journey.

In a guided meditation, I learned my earliest interaction with spirit occurred as a newborn. I had a vision of being held in my mother’s arms.  As I nursed, I felt content and relaxed when over my mother’s right shoulder, I saw my great grandmother in spirit. She had a hand on my mother’s shoulder, and her radiant smile filled me with worth.  Although she was the only spirit I could see, I knew she was providing my mother with a deep strength and support that could only be achieved from a long ancestral linage of female strength. Each generation supporting the next in life and in spirit.

Most of my spiritual memories were between the ages of 3-7 years old.  I recall spending a lot of time outside in deep thought (or meditation).  I have a distinct memory of being confused by why I was not able to make things move with my mind and feeling frustrated that I could not hear nature (trees, birds, flowers, etc.) as clearly I as I heard my mother and sisters. I remember having deep philosophical thoughts (or channelings) at a young age about my ‘perception’ of the world, such as: 

·         Is what I see real or an illusion?

·         How do we know the color I see, is the same color you see, but we have each just learned to identify it as the prescribed color?

·         If a child was taught that baby dolls could talk and move, then would it be possible for their baby doll to actually talk and move?

·         Thoughts... where do they come from? Who is doing the thinking?

·         If I no longer had an internal dialogue, no thoughts, would “I” still exist?

I was raised as a Christian (Methodist) and despite the concept of reincarnation not being taught or believed by my family members, I always had a knowing that this was not my first lifetime. I remember sitting in the car, zoning out of the window and experiencing flashes of what felt like prior lifetimes (past life regressions). On one such occasion, I had a metallic taste of blood in my mouth and an intense sense of dread. On another drive, I felt a tightening around my throat like I was being hung.  A bit older, perhaps 13 years old - I was watching the movie “A Time to Kill” and had a clear knowing that, I had been killed as a young black girl similar to the child in this tragic story.  There were always things people around me said that I agreed with and things I knew were incorrect, but I did not have the concise words to articulate what and how I knew they were misguided. For example, I had a clear appreciation that there was more going on in the space around me, I was sensitive to energies and sensed more than what my physical eyes could perceive.

Growing up, my absolute favorite show was “Unsolved Mysteries” I remember being grateful my parents would allow me to stay awake past bedtime each Tuesday evening to watch it.  When the show first aired, the storyline focused on unexplained spiritual experiences – Ghosts, UFOs and the like.  I am sure my drawl to this show was no coincidence. I did not think about it much when I lived there, but my childhood home was, and perhaps still is, inhabited by benevolent spirit. I personally only had one interaction with him, but my mother would often hear footsteps in the early morning hours when the home was otherwise quiet.  My Dad and three older sisters would have already left for their respective work and school while the elementary school opened an hour later. We had those lovely plastic carpet runners which were oh so popular in the 1970’s lying on the main walkway in the center of our home, and my mom would often hear the distinct sound of bare feet walking across the plastic.  Now when this happened, her immediate thought was logical, the only other person in the home must now be awake - so she would ignore the typical prompt to awaken me for school only to then to realize I was not awake.  On my end, I would be startled awake by a rushed parent imploring me to move quickly stating, “I am sorry, I thought you were already awake.”

I also now believe that unmanaged anger / repressed emotions from my parents resulted in a dysregulating poltergeist energy within the home.  Lights would turn on suddenly, or flicker and we sometimes had unexplained noises or objects falling off tables.  These were minor and never bothered me much.  The experience I did struggle with throughout my time in that home was Black Hat Man whom I would see standing at my bedroom door.  His daunting presence would consume me in a paralyzing fear.  I recall lying in bed unable to move my body like I was being held in place by an invisible force. Terrified to close both of my eyes, I would desperately blink the left and then the right.  As I lay on the cusp of sleep, I would question if what I saw was real or a trick of the light. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer repeatedly until sleep consumed me.

Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night because one of my legs had gone numb and when I reached down and felt it, it would be cold to the touch.  When I looked at the bed, there would be an imprint like someone had been seated at the bottom of my bed.  I like to think that this was my grand mother in spirit protecting me as I slept and keeping away the scary Black Hat Man. Most of these experiences were when I was under the age of 10.  My first big push towards remembering who ‘I AM’ occurred after the youngest of my three older sisters left home for college, leaving me alone at home with my parents.

My father’s emotional abuse was no longer shielded by my older sisters and my mother was now working two jobs to support my sisters college education.  This left me home alone with my authoritative father often.  I was cornered into survival mode and in many ways, I developed a lasting connection with my father during these years which would later serve to afford me a deeper understanding. However, at the time, I was spiraling aimlessly into depression, anxiety and desperately wanting to disappear.  So, when my friend told me of a job opening at the local library, I jumped at the opportunity to have more parents sanctioned time out of the house.  I worked at the local library and found fascination with the Religion Studies section of the library, checking out books about various beliefs.  I also listened to several audio books by Sylvia Browne, a psychic medium who shared her experience with life on the other side, how to connect with spirit guides, etc.  I began a weekly meditation practice and even tried things like automatic writing to no avail. I can see now these activities laid the groundwork for my spiritual awakening.

I heard spiritual awakening once described as the following: Imagine people wondering about a gymnasium in a trancelike state. Mindlessly going about their day-to-day. Spirit is always reaching out and throwing balls at us trying to spark an exchange.  Since about 2020, humanity has entered a very special period in our spiritual evolution wherein the number of balls being thrown into the court has tripled making the chance of catching a ball much higher.  Now, if you happen to find yourself randomly holding a ball you have a choice; either pretend it never happened - throw it back down and continue as you had before none the wiser. OR you can stop. Realize something has changed and you are now holding a ball which had not been there before.  You can sit with the ball and meditate... Where did this come from? Why am I holding a ball? What does this mean? What do I do next? And this my dear is how we awaken.