CHAPTER 2: The Ball

Shortly after turning 40, in January 2024, I had a “ball” come crashing in and hit me on the head! I felt an energy shift which I could not explain. It brought forth with it intense anxiety. Imagine the feeling you may have as a child when an authority figure stands over your shoulder watching your every step as you carefully try not to make a mistake. Unfortunately, this feeling continued even when I left my home, I became concerned that perhaps...just maybe... I had an entity attached to me. It did not feel bad or threatening, but it was different, new and thus unnerving. I would also like to expand on this by sharing I have had my share of difficulties with anxiety.  On the surface, the list of symptoms to describe my first panic attack and my first asthma attack are the same – Shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, heart palpitations, feeling of panic/dread. In the same way, the energy shift I felt could have been easily dismissed as anxiety or stress – but it did not feel the same.  This was something new and my instinct told me it was not coming from within me, but something outside of my energy field.  

I did some quick googling on the topic and was compelled to watch various shows on ghosts. But I had no idea who to talk to about this. I mean - I doubt my Primary Care Physician would be of much help and although I had a great relationship with my psychiatrist, this sounded a bit crazy, even for me, to share with him unless I wanted to increase or add to my psychotropic medication regime. I did not belong to a structured religious group so I did not have a Priest, Pastor, or Shaman in my rolodex to ask. On a whim, I booked an appointment with a local Psychic in early February 2024. Now, I have never been to a psychic before, and I honestly was skeptical. Yeah sure, perhaps some who claim to be psychic may actually have an ability to connect with the spirit realm, but I also was not naïve to the fact that some are making money on their acting and showmanship, rather than being honest. But the more I tried to ignore the “ball” the feeling got stronger, so I was eager for some sort of answer.

When I walked into the psychic’s office, I really did not know what to expect and she was taken aback when I asked her if I had an entity attached to me.  I guess that is not a common question.  But she was patient, kind and tuned into my energy to confirm – No, I did not have any sort of spirit attachment.  Instead, she informed me that my ‘spirit guides’ were trying to connect with me. (Whatever that means!) She further clarified my guides had information to share with me directly, but I never stopped. One of my guides, who she indicated as Melissa stepped forward during the reading and explained that my mind was constantly moving, and thus she was unable to connect with me. (No dah! I am a working Mother with two small kids.) Unfortunately, my ‘sprit guides’ wanted to establish this connection with me directly and did not wish to communicate through another person, so the main message was for me to create a daily meditation practice; to quiet my mind and begin opening the channel for communication with them.  The psychic advised me to set a dedicated appointment time with spirit whereby if I establish a set time to connect each day, they will be better able to meet me therein.

The Psychic also shared with me information about a few of my past lives including one where I was in Egypt and went by the name Sarah. An hour later I walked out of her office with a list of suggested people to listen to, books to read, crystals to buy and grounding meditations to perform. However, as I got back in my car, I realized nothing the psychic shared with me that day was verifiable. As I went to random crystal store with my shopping list, I knew there was no way for me to know with certainty if I had actually been given true guidance or just wasted my money and was about to waste even more on a bag of rocks. I always believed that everything has energy, so I figured having tourmaline, smoky quartz among others for protection around me could not hurt. I had done smudging before and figured maybe some White Sage dipped in Dragon's Blood and Pala Alto sticks just might give me some peace of mind.

Now meditation was not a new concept to me. I had started meditating in high school to cope with intense anxiety and stress, but once in college, dorm life was not conducive to quiet meditation and my practice declined.  During my senior year of college I worked as a Research Assistant to a Professor and supported a trial which investigated if John Kabbit Zinn's 8-week mindfulness meditation series could be compressed to only 4 weeks and still have a positive effect on college freshmen. (Side note, we concluded that even just 4 weeks meditation teachings did improve overall stress levels.) Through this work, I personally began listening to guided meditations again and even had an opportunity to a lead a mediation. After college, I did a few stints here and there various yoga classes and really got into Dawn Yoga for a while... with meditations and breathwork always under the surface. I briefly co-led meditations to a small gathering of colleagues during our lunch break once a week, which was a very rewarding experience. However, life really took over and left little time for spiritual exploration. Given that the feeling of unease was still with me, and I was really struggling to maintain focus as the anxiety had become a constant companion; I decided to listen to the psychic' advice.

When I expressed the desire to start a daily mediation practice with my husband, he was very supportive and agreed to take over the evening bedtime routine so I could have this time for self-care. Equipped with lapis lazuli and angelic crystals in hands, I sat down to meditate each evening at the same time. Listening to various grounding meditations on insight timer or YouTube and then exploring the other suggestions that came up. After about 7-10 days, I noticed a sensation on the top of my head. It was a feeling as if someone was playing with my hair or like a gentle vibration. Through my prior experience with Yoga, I had learned about the chakras and wondering if this sensation was my crown chakra ‘opening’. I was taken aback a bit, as I had felt this once before, but that was in high school and only after months of dedicated meditation. By the second week, I was surprised once more to notice I was experiencing sensations not only while meditating, but also when taking a deep breath or consciously pausing to quiet my mind. In the second week, I also started to feel a slight sensation on the center of my forehead. My Third eye was opening? While meditating one night, I felt my crown and third eye were open.  I was curious by what this may mean and wondering if perhaps I may be able to tap into receiving communications from my ‘spirit guides’.  But I had no formal training on how to go about doing this. I decided to recite something I had watched a medium say on T.V.: "If there is anything of the light with a message for me, or a loved one - I am open to receive". Hey, don’t judge - I had no idea how to connect to spirit guides!

And clear as day, I heard in my mind: "This is Aunt Margaret". I was a bit confused as I was unaware of anyone by the name of Margaret in my family tree. Then I saw an image in my mind's eye of my friend, let’s call her - Mary. Mary was sitting on her couch in her home by herself. I understood it was late, and everyone else in her home was asleep, but she as unable to rest. Mary appeared distressed, upset on the verge of tears, or perhaps she had been crying. Then I saw a golden white light hover around her, like it was giving her a hug. And I knew I was supposed to tell Mary that she was not alone, her Aunt Margaret was with her. In that moment I felt an immense love for Mary which I understood to be coming from her aunt. That evening, I also had two of my deceased family members come in, but the information from them was a bit more difficult to validate as some of what I heard – saw - felt could arguably be things I already had awareness of.

Super curious... I texted Mary the next day and asked... "Do you have an Aunt Margaret in spirit?" Her response was "No, but I do have a grandmother with that name... why?" umm - Okay...Cool, Cool - Lets go with that - I shared with her the message I had received to which she said: Thank you. That evening we chatted more and I came to learn that she could validate everything I saw as a recent occurrence in her home, and hearing that her grandmother was present, gave her immense comfort. As we chatted more, I learned that Mary actually had two people by the name of Margaret in her family. A cousin as well, and actually Mary's Grandmother was her cousin's aunt... So, to differentiate in the family they referred to them as 'Cousin Margaret' and 'Aunt Margaret'. We laughed - realizing that by introducing herself as Aunt Margaret, Mary’s grandmother was proving a clear piece of evidence to validate it was indeed her.  I had full body chills!

When I met my husband, Ben, about 15 years ago, he was an Atheist, in the past year or two he has started to wonder if there may be more and has contemplated reconnecting with his Jewish heritage, but he was not prepared to hear me share this experience of connecting with Mary's dead Grandmother. Upon my retailing of the experience, he said: "That is CRAZY, you need to talk with someone about this to better understand what’s happening to you, and that person is NOT me." Ben suggested I go on Meetup to see if I could find like-minded individuals to chat with. It was here that I started to find free group meditations and spiritual discussion circles. I was also very fortunate to find Rev. Stacy Brickel. Stacy is an evidential Medium, Psychic and Reiki Teacher who leads various classes. Starting March 2024, she was offering an amazing special: 6 - Evidential Mediumship classes for Beginners for only $35.00.  What a STEAL! I figured I had nothing to lose and so began my journey of learning to connect to spirit. Under the amazing encouragement, guidance and support of Stacy.